What she really Wanted
by Thecastlefan101
Summary: What if Castle caught on to Beckett's hint at the end of season three during the argument? How Beckett handles it when Castle takes over and she loses control.


A knock. Someone just knocked on her door. Inside her apartment it's quiet so the knock sends echoes through the walls, bouncing off each other until it reaches her ears.

Who's at the door?

She doesn't like being disturbed when she's working on her mothers case but if someone's knocking on her door and they know that, then it must be important. Begrudgingly she gets up and answers the door.

Once the door swings open she has to hide her relief because not only is she happy not to be alone, haunted by every noise that's made, but she's happy to see him.

"Can I come in?" He asked unsure if was okay during times like this.

"Yeah," she says. She wants him to come in but not like this. She doesn't like the fact that he asked and because he did she knows this isn't going to be just a friendly visit. He has something important to say.

When he walks past her and she to stop herself from sniffing the air. Although she did catch a small whiff of him and it was sweet. Not like caramel but sweet like warm chocolate cake or apple pie. Both of which she loves to get lost in.

He started rambling on about something case related but it wasn't important. So she called him out on it.

"Castle you couldn't have just called me and told me over the phone?"

That gets his attention. "We, yeah, I...I thought that..."

She knows what she's about to step into and as much as she would rather sit down and work this case with him by her side she stands her ground and pushes him.

"Castle, if you got something to say, just please say it."

His face expression dropped the loving look and it was gone from his eyes. He's serious now and she's never seen this side of him before. It's weird but she's intrigued and generally interested in what he's going to say.

He takes a deep breath before beginning and make sure he talks slowly to further help prove his point. "Beckett, everyone associated with this case is dead. Everyone."

_Castle don't try this because it won't work._

"First your mom and her colleagues, then Raglan, then McCallister. You know they're coming for you next."

She doesn't want to discuss this so she shrugs off what he says hoping to end it there. "Captain Montgomery's got a protective detail on me. It wasn't that hard to spot." She thinks she made her point because for a second he looks speechless but he came right back at her.

"That's not gonna enough to stop Lockwood, you know that. Think about what they're up against. Professional killers?" He pauses quickly and walks toward her. He cares, she can tell he cares about her. It's in his eyes as he's speaking. "I've been working with you for three years, you know me. Im the guy who says we can move that rubber tree plant but you know Beckett I don't think we're gonna win this."

"Castle they killed my mother. What do you want me to do here?"

He looked her dead in the eyes when he said "walk away."

What? No, wait...what?

"They're gonna kill you Kate. If you don't care about that," he wavered his gaze from her eyes for a moment. "At least think about how that's gonna affect the people that love you."

_You mean how it's going to affect you right, Castle? _

She sees straight through him.

"You really want to put your dad through that? And what about Josh?"

He didn't mention himself. After all they've been through he didn't mention himself! "And what about you Rick?" She practically yelled.

"Of course I don't want anything to happen to you I'm your partner. I'm your friend."

That's it? Really? "Is that what we are?"

Partners? Of course that had already been established. Friendship? They discovered that a couple weeks ago. But they've always been more than that. And he knows that so why is he excluding himself now? They're finally talking so she's determined to get this out of him.

He paused, looks at her like _'now? You wanna do this now? How could you not know I include myself in that?'_

"Alright, you know what? I don't know what we are. We kiss and then we never talk about it we nearly die frozen in each others arms but we never talk about it! So no I got no clue what we are," he exclaims walking closer to her with every word until they're inches a part. "I know I don't wanna see you throw your life away."

He didn't get it. She tossed the bait right out there for him and he completely missed it, overlooked it, ignored it. Wow Castle.

He caught it right then. When that look of annoyance and frustration seeped into her eyes before she stared speaking again. That's what this is about? Oh.

"You know what? This isn't about your mothers case anymore. This is about you needing a place to hide. From it all. Yourself, life, reality, and..." She looked up at him. He caught on? "Love."

When she didn't reply he kept going because there was no way in hell he was going to let her get away with this. He wasn't going to allow her to run. It's now or never and he couldn't live with himself if he let her get away.

"You hide in these no where relationships with men you know you don't love. Because you're afraid to actually let yourself be happy. You said it yourself! You're keeping one foot out the door!"

"Castle how I feel about my relationships is none of your business." She's still Kate Beckett so she's still going to be stubborn about this.

"Oh but it is! That's what all this is about! We kissed Kate! We kissed and I know you felt it. I know you did because a feeling like that is too strong for only one person." He had tears flooding his eyes but she could tell he was trying to hold them in. "And so you bury yourself deeper into your moms case so you don't crack. You know we can't win this so it's an excuse for you to never get better!"

Oh God.

It wasn't supposed to get out of hand. She was the one who was supposed to be controlling this situation. But as she was listening she was was in awe because everything he was saying was true.

"I'm not saying you don't want justice for her because you do it's a passion in you I can see. But there's another side of you that's dying to be free. Just waiting for you to allow yourself to be happy. And you deserve it. You deserve to be happy Kate but you're afraid."

He wasn't holding back his tears any more and before she could even control herself tears were streaming down her face too.

She hates him. She hates him for making her cry. She hates him for knowing her so well and so far better than herself. She didn't know that's what she was doing but now it makes sense. She was pushing him away and blocking him off but losing herself mentally and as a person.

"I think you should go," she yelled. She can't look at him anymore. Why does he pay so much attention? How did he even know?

He walked over to her and brought her close for a hug. She immediately began fighting him.

"Get off me Castle!" She pushed against his chest ad when he wouldn't let her go she started hitting harder. "Castle let go! Get off!" Her pleas were weak and she felt herself giving in.

Castle then took her by her arms and pushed her up against a wall and kissed her. Firmly.

He didn't kiss her because he found her irresistible at that moment. Or because he wanted to turn her on. He didn't kiss her to shut her up or because he just wanted to. He kissed her because he wanted her to feel it. He wanted her to feel his love for her but more importantly feel the pain he's in. He wanted her to feel that other side of her clawing desperately to get out. He wanted her to feel how much potential she had at getting better, at being happy.

When his lips landed on hers she allowed it for few seconds, enjoying the feeling of him again. But then she felt it and so she pushed him away and slapped him.

They both stood there staring at each other, chests heaving and angry. She regretted slapping him the second she did it but she didn't let it show. She stood her ground like a naive, scared, stubborn Kate Beckett would.

She didn't slap him because he kissed her. In fact she welcomed it but it was what the kiss meant. It was what she felt pouring out of him. Anger, pain, frustration...love. It was what he was trying to prove. That she could be happy and that there's a part of her that wants it. That wants to be happy with him. And he knew. He knew that's why she slapped him. She felt exactly what he wanted her too and it scared her and she didn't know how to handle it.

But she wasn't going to get rid of him that easily. He meant it when he said always. That means through the good times and the bad. And right now was bad and she needed him more now than ever. So he's going to wait her out. In a few minutes she would crack and he was going to be right here.

So they stood there, motionless, speechless. He could see in her eyes that she was fighting a battle with herself. He could see the tears she was holding back, fighting their way out. And then...

She broke. Tears started uncontrollably falling down her cheeks by the dozen and she forced her way into his arms. He welcomed her.

"It's okay. I know it's going to be hard but I'm here for you I swear. I'm not going to leave okay? You hear me? I'm not going to ever leave you!"

With his words she began sobbing harder tears. She tried to muffle her cries into his shoulder but she was still loud. She gripped his arms tightly to keep herself up. He held onto her, not ever wanting to let go. Because he knew she was no longer crying because she was scared, but because she was relieved.

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